


Behind the Curtain

by NeonDomino



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino
Summary: Vox Machina - spoilers until episode 43 I think.Vax'ildan thought he knew who had his heart. That is, until he thought Gilmore was dead. That's when he realised he had made the wrong choice. My first Critical Role fic.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Kudos: 26





	Behind the Curtain

**Author's Note:**

> For Lizzy

* * *

Vax loves Keyleth. Okay, so that’s what he believed until he couldn’t see Gilmore during the dragon’s attack.

He knows Gilmore was there. He saw him arrive, walking in between Scanlan and Grog, and chatting away loudly, his laugh carrying over to Vax before Vax could even turn his head. Even if he doesn’t hear Gilmore, Vax is so very aware of his presence. He knows when people come and go without turning his head, but he’s more attuned to Gilmore than he’s ever been to anyone.

But the attack happened, and suddenly Gilmore is gone, and there’s chaos, and Vax is looking for his friend, desperately trying to find him and he doesn’t see the vibrant robes. He doesn’t find him in the chaos. He doesn’t see him, his senses are all over the place, and he can’t focus to work out if Gilmore is there or not.

And though he wants to make sure Gilmore is fine, he has to get his sister to safety. He can only hope that Gilmore has already escaped. Gilmore is powerful and Vax has faith that he can manage. Somehow.

Okay. Maybe he doesn’t. Gilmore is strong and a fucking force. But… but Gilmore against a dragon… the thought terrifies him in ways he had never imagined, because he has never considered Gilmore facing something so dangerous.

So he tells himself that it’ll be fine, as he pushes his sister towards the tree, as he watches the group disappear. As he steps through, he glances back for the vividly coloured robes, and doesn’t see any, and tells himself that Gilmore has already escaped.

Vex is his number one priority. As desperate as he is to find Gilmore, he has to make sure his sister is safe. 

* * *

He plans to go to check on his good friend, but the dragon’s attack on the keep is too much. There are people demanding attention, needing reassurance, scared, and Vax can’t bring himself to leave. He cares too much, as much as he tries to pretend otherwise. There are _children_ there. Some without parents, and he feels for them. He knows what it’s like to feel alone, scared. He wants nothing more than to protect them, and there’s no time to do anything. He’s tired. They’re all hurt. People need rest.

It’s hard when all the people that matter to him are scattered. Uriel, someone he’s started to swear loyalty to, respecting the man (because it’s not Uriel’s fault that the Briarwoods had power over his mind), the people who came to them for safety, looking up to the group that have become well respected. There are _kids_ there, that are entertained by his antics, as Vax convinces them to play hide and seek, them against him as he hides in the shadows. The kids find him each time, and the crying lessens.

But last but certainly not least, Gilmore because he’s _Gilmore_. 

And Vax feels sick, because Gilmore might not be alive and he’s felt that fear for others before, but the last time he feared _this much_ for someone’s life, was when his sister almost died He’s felt the pain of Keyleth almost dying too, but he can’t even compare that to the fear he feels now.

They rest overnight. But he’s not even got his own room, and he’s sure eyes are constantly on him, forcing him to stay. Forcing him not to sneak out. Whenever he tries, someone has a need for him. Someone has a job or a task.

He silently hopes Gilmore knows that he’s coming. He’ll be there soon.

He hasn’t forgotten about Gilmore, because who could forget a man like him?

* * *

Vax can’t breathe when they get closer to the building. He feels faint. Gilmore. Gilmore, His Shaun - though it’s strange to think of him as anything but Gilmore - could be lying under that rubble. Could be hurt. Dead. Ice.

If he comes to Gilmore in ice, he’s not sure what he’ll do. He advances angrily, ready to put his arrows through the necks of each and every one of these scavengers. He’s going to _destroy_ them. They could be walking over Gilmore as they search for something to make a quick coin. They could be what’s standing between Gilmore living and dying. They’re rooting through Gilmore’s belongings and if Vax had the same spells as the others, he’d have set these people on fire. Destroyed them. But he does his best work with the daggers and though he hates taking lives, preferring to leave people unconscious - he’ll delight in their blood dripping down his blade.

He hates when anger takes over like this. He rarely feels it to this extent, only when the people he loves are hurt.

These men could be preventing the group from reaching Gilmore in time because Keyleth said that it was a weak connection. Weak means he’s not got long left (if he’s even alive). Weak. It’s a stark reminder that Gilmore isn’t as powerful as Vax imagines him to be. And Vax has never (aside from his sister of course) felt so protective over anyone in his entire life. He would never describe Gilmore as weak, so if the connection is that, Gilmore could be taking his least breaths right now. 

He tells himself that a weak connection means he’s alive.

* * *

  
  


For a moment, he thinks Gilmore is dead, and that feeling is devastating. He pulls the man onto his lap, clings to him. Holds him. Feels for a pulse. If Gilmore is dead… well, Vax will destroy whatever did this, or die trying.

It’s only his sister’s presence there that keeps him somewhat grounded. He’s already calling Pike’s name as he desperately searches for a pulse. Gilmore is cold, lifeless, and in a position Vax had never imagined. Nothing could down Gilmore - or so he thought. Blood seeps through his robes, coating the fingers that are clutching at the wound. Some has dried into the robes already. He’s lost a lot of blood.

It’s his fault. He should have returned. He should have stayed. He should have gone back. He should have come here last night, and let the other members of Vox Machina deal with those in the keep whilst he came to check on his Gilmore.

He begs Pike to heal him, even though she’s rushed forward, only seconds behind him, using the most powerful spell at her disposal. But as she reaches, Vax feels the slightest hint of a pulse and relief. Gilmore is still alive.

He holds him closer, he clings a little bit more. He strokes the sweat-drenched hair from the man’s face and murmurs to him, because they _matter_ to each other, and maybe Vax’s voice will help somehow? Maybe through whatever haze or unconsciousness Gilmore is experiencing, he’ll hear Vax’s voice and know he’s not alone.

Well, not that he was alone before. But that’s different. Sherri is his friend, and the Royal family are just that - people he barely knows. Vax… well, there are no words to explain their relationship. Not yet. 

The minutes that pass after the beautiful light of are the longest minutes of Vax’s life. Well, aside from the near death of his sister, of course. He waits, panicking as the seconds pass, because whatever Pike did - strong and formidable as she is - it’s clearly not enough. He’s about to beg her to use more spells - every single one at her disposal - because Gilmore is worth it, and more - he’s about to demand that the party hand over the healing potions. They can earn more money - they can get more potions. There will never be another Gilmore. His life matters more than coin.

As though she can read his mind, Vex is already pulling a potion out of the inside of the cloak. She can read him better than anyone, and she must be able to see the desperation in his eyes. Their eyes meet though, and she glances towards Gilmore urgently, and it suddenly hits him.

The delight she shows when meeting Gilmore, when spending time with him, and the disinterest when Vax and Keyleth dance around each other, trying to work out what ‘this’ is. Maybe his sister is seeing something that Vax is missing. If she hasn’t said it, she’s certainly shown it through her actions - kindness to Keyleth unless there’s a 'Keyleth and Vax' moment. Vax just thought it was her sisterly way of trying to act like no one was good enough. But she likes Gilmore, and even encourages what Vax and Gilmore have. She’s always teasing him about Gilmore, but turns her attention away when it’s about Keyleth.

That’s something to think about later though.

Gilmore stirs and Vax can breathe again. He holds the other man, and dark eyes open, seeking purchase, looking for somewhere to focus. But of course they find him, and Vax is captivated by the gaze as he always is, and always has been, and he forgets about everyone in the room.

Gilmore’s lips curve into a smile at the sight of him, and Vax can’t help but smile back. He leans his head down slightly, because it wouldn’t do for the others to see the tears of relief.

But Gilmore can see them. He can let Gilmore see.

* * *

He’s relieved to be away from Gilmore, because he hopes it gives him time to think about things. He thinks about the way Gilmore treats him, so open with feelings, as opposed to Keyleth, who hides it all, whereas it’s Vax that is falling flat on his face. Vax put his heart out there, to get stamped on. Vax is chasing someone who can’t even give him a hint of hope. It hurts. But… but the hurt doesn’t compare to that pain he felt when he thought he lost Gilmore.

He tries to pinpoint the moment when maybe feelings grew. Did he just assume that things would be easier with Keyleth, pushing aside what he could have with Gilmore? Was it that fucking kiss - after telling Gilmore that theey couldn’t be more, and still kissing him. Still pressing his lips against those of the older man, and feeling _something_ shooting through him. 

And he thinks on it. It’s on his mind when he gives his room to Gilmore, but is too scared to go back in there himself. He thinks about it when asking Keyleth to spend the night with him, though nothing actually happens, because he finds himself climbing from the window, scouring the uneven stones, sitting on the roof and just looking out and trying to get a handle on life. He thinks about it until Gilmore is through the tree and safe (Vax hopes at least) Whitestone.

He wants to protect Keyleth. He likes having people that need him, it makes him feel like he has a purpose. A relationship with her could be great. Marriage, children. A normality that he’s not really had before. He craves a family - because he’d do it right, not like the “family” his father offered. 

But… but there’s Gilmore. With Gilmore, he feels so alive. Maybe he won’t be the protector in that relationship because Gilmore doesn’t need a protector. He does need an equal though, and he knows without a doubt that when things weigh on him, Gilmore is there. Gilmore is happy to help carry that weight.

He knows in his heart what he truly wants, and it’s only when he visits Vasselheim that he even realises that it’s easy.

Because watching Keyleth get shy and awkward and her eyes are only for Keshaw, he knows that her heart isn’t his. He expects it to hurt. He expects to feel pain and rejection. But all he feels is a little bit of sadness at this, because he’s hurt Gilmore by making the wrong choice, and he’s broken Gilmore’s heart. And for nothing. Because he knows what he wants now. He knows where his heart lies.

His heart isn’t Keyleth’s. And he can’t wait to get back to Whitestone, because he’s finally realised where he belongs.

* * *

  
  


The magic is slower than before, and Vax can see that Gilmore is still struggling. The beaded curtain that hides the back room is different from the one he remembers from the old shop, and the main room of this shop is bigger. Vax wants to laugh at the idea that Gilmore set out in search of another beaded curtain, and _somehow_ managed to procure one. There’s an upstairs here and Vax is glad that Gilmore has a chance to rebuild. That Percy’s generosity has handed him this empty shop without asking for payment, because it’ll help rebuild the economy of the town. 

At the sight of him, Sherri gives a tired nod. Her skin is very pale and she looks like she hasn’t slept. Bags sit under her eyes, but aside from that, she’s still dressed smartly, and the corners of her lips curve ever so slightly at the sight of him. She slips out the open door, leaving the pair alone.

“Vax’ildan.” Gilmore stops everything to pay Vax his full attention, and Vax likes that feeling, he also likes the shiver that runs through his body at the sound of his name falling from Gilmore’s lips. The tone the man uses… He likes that he matters to someone that much. Well, of course he matters to his sister. But this is so very different. “What do I owe this beautiful pleasure - to have you all to myself?” He smiles widely. “I must say, my day has gotten a lot better these last few seconds.” The way Gilmore looks at him, as though he’s a star that has fallen from the sky, or something just as rare or amazing or precious.

“I’ve come to…” Vax pauses. He knows why he’s here, but Gilmore deserves an explanation. A promise, even. Vax is always as good as his word, and he’s sure Gilmore knows this. So he’s going to give his word, but for once, words are hard to put together. “I owe you an apology.”

“Do you?” Gilmore asks.

“Words usually come easy to me,” Vax continues. “But now, I can’t find a way to express them. All I know is that when I thought you were dead - that fear, that pain inside thinking that… that I’d lost you. Hearing that I _matter_ so much that you went to where a dragon was because of your worry for me… just realising…”

“My beautiful Vax’ildan, my darling, you still don’t realise your worth, do you?” Gilmore asks. With the shop empty of the two of them, he’s not being loud and flashy, his tone is a little bit softer. “You’re worth facing a dragon. I’d face one again for you.”

Vax nods. He takes a deep breath, and then another, and a third. He believes him, but the idea of Gilmore against a dragon terrifies him.

“When I thought you were dead - it felt like… I’ve felt pain. I almost lost my sister recently. I lost my mother years ago. But the pain that I felt thinking you’ve died… I felt like I was dying too.”

The pause is longer than Vax is used to when talking to Gilmore. The other man’s responses are usually quick, but his fingers move and he gets back to casting charms. He’s taking a moment to think, and as much as Vax wants him to respond, he doesn’t break the quiet. He’ll stay silent and let Gilmore think this through.

“Is this your way of telling me you love me?” There’s a hint of the usual Gilmore there, the charm and flirtation in his voice, but Vax knows this man well enough to hear the hint of nervousness, the vulnerability. Gilmore has put himself out there before and had his heart broken - by Vax no less. Of course he’d be wary to do so again.

“It seems like I wasn’t truly listening to my heart, and I’m only sorry that it’s taken so much time to realise what you mean to me. If anything ever happened to you… I mean, it’d hurt if I lost any of my friends, but the pain that I felt when it came to you, was more than anything. Well, except the possible loss of my sister, and the loss of my mother.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Gilmore points out.

Vax smiles. “I haven’t. Yet,” he replies. “I want to explain how much you mean to me, Shaun.”

Gilmore chuckles. “It sounds strange coming from your lips,” he says.

“It feels strange, but… but maybe it’s about time I started calling you by something more personal. I’m sorry it took you almost dying for me to realise where my heart lay. I do love you. I thought you were dead… and…” He trails off, the memory of Gilmore’s lifeless body fresh in his mind. He remembers the blood seeping through Gilmore’s fingers. “You’re not allowed to die on me.”

Gilmore moves closer. There’s no big gestures or loud voices or flirting. There’s just concern in his eyes. He reaches up and wipes at Vax’s eyes.

“I’ve loved you since the moment you came into my shop, trying to charm me for a discount,” Gilmore tells him. “But I’m sure you already know that, Vax’ildan. How long is your visit?”

“I have a couple of days,” Vax explains. “Vex has the other stone to mine and I’ll be able to get back to the group when I need to. They’ve gone ahead for… You. You’re my priority right now. Seeing you, telling you this. Taking a little time to be with you before the weight of the world rests on our shoulders once more.”

“And where are you staying?” Gilmore asks. His fingers move down Vax’s face, his cheek, his jaw. Down to his shoulder, and gently running down his arm. “The castle?”

“Here,” Vax says, his voice shaking slightly. This is his choice - Gilmore is his choice - “There’s no place I’d rather be. If you still feel the same about me, that is. If I’m welcome. If you can forgive me for making the wrong choice. If you can...”

Gilmore’s hand finds his. “For you? Of course.” With a flick of his other hand, the door closes behind Vax. “Let me prepare us some lunch,” he murmurs. “Two days. I won’t waste a moment. I can put the shop in order when you leave.” He leans in, and Vax tilts his head up as Gilmore’s lips find his. The first kiss had been fleeting, but this is slow, lingering, heart-stopping.

Vax has no words as Gilmore pulls away. “Come. Let me show you _our_ room,” he says. “Lunch and then I want to know everything about you. Maybe you’ll find out a few things about me.”

Vax nods. “And… and maybe…” his voice shakes a little now, but he doesn’t hide that from Gilmore, “maybe I should check out how the wound is healing?”

Gilmore laughs, and Vax can see the desire in his eyes. “If that’s what we’re calling it, I should examine a few of yours too.” He pauses. “You’ll return to the Keep one day?”

“I honestly don’t know where I’ll make my home, but I do know that it won’t be far from you.”

“Oh, Vax’ildan, maybe one day you’ll find a home _with_ me,” Gilmore suggests. “I guess this is home for now. But we’ll find something together. If that pleases you.”

“I’d like that very much,” Vax replies in a whisper.

Gilmore’s fingers wrap around Vax’s hand and he turns and leads them through the curtain.


End file.
